


What Not to Do in the Phantomhive Household

by Skarlettefox



Category: Black Butler, Kuroshitsuji
Genre: Humour, Innuendo, Multi, Threats, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-07 23:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skarlettefox/pseuds/Skarlettefox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Important rules and regulations to make sure you are polite, well behaved and....safe.<br/>Just my way to help you deal with the wacky ways of the Phantomhive lifestyle ;)<br/>Be warned: VERY FUNNY<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which the Rules are Promptly Ignored

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! My first ever story here! Hope you like it!

The What Not To Do List for the Phantomhive Household:

1\. Don't ask for devilled eggs…..it's not funny.

2\. Don't put any of Madame Red's clothes in the wash with Sebastian's shirts…..even though he would probably look adorable.

3\. Don't let Grell go into detail about his plans for his day with Sebastian…..the ratings just aren't high enough.

4\. Two words: Lol. Cats. Sebastian's not ready for it.

5\. No more saying: "Arrrgh me hearty!" every time Ciel walks into the room.

6\. Don't set up Finny and Angela up on a date.

7\. In fact. Don't set up anyone on a date with Angela.

8\. Don't allow Bard access to flame-throwers…..we all know he is a pyro.

9\. Same goes for bazookas.

10\. And for machine guns.

11\. And for…..Okay. You get the idea. Bard + Weapons = BAD IDEA.

12\. Don't get one of those ladders with wheels on the bottom…..Mey-Rin has enough problems.

13\. No plastic cutlery…..We have our reasons.

14\. No paper plates…..Same reasons.

15\. No. Ciel does NOT slap Sebastian because of sexual frustration…..Stop asking.

16\. No giving Grell haircuts…..He has a chainsaw.

17\. NO Grell giving anyone makeovers.

18\. Absolutely NO posting Grell's make-up tutorials on You-tube.

19\. Scratch that. No posting ANYTHING on You-tube.

20\. No computer chair rides.

21\. NO trolley rides. You SAW what happened with Grell.

22\. Don't watch 'Devil wears a Prada' and looking meaningfully at Sebastian.

23\. Do NOT ask Sebastian about his stripper heels. Just. Don't.

24\. No watching 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'….Grell's self-control is weak.

25\. No going to see 'Pirates of Penzance' and pointing at Ciel. His self-control is even worse than Grell's.

26\. Don't keep telling Bard that his name spells 'Drab' backwards. Remember what I said about the weapons…

27\. No getting Sebastian to dress Ciel in a corset…..No matter how hot it would look.

28\. Don't let Pluto walk around nude rubbing against people(especially Sebastian)…..We don't want to drown because of Mey-Rin's nosebleed.

29\. Never let Finny get his hands on Ronald's lawnmower…..sorry. Death scythe.

30\. Or Williams, for that matter.

31\. Stop trying to steal the Undertaker's hat.

32\. Same goes for Grell's glasses. *cough*chainsaw*cough*

33\. And for Ciel's mini stick…..oh. Wait…..did that sound weird?

34\. No taking Pluto to the pound. No matter what Sebastian says.

35\. No getting strays from the pound. No matter what Sebastian says.

36\. No putting Grell in the pound. No matter if Sebastian offers to screw you.

37\. No getting Ciel a parrot from the pound…..do pounds even have parrots?!...nevermind.

38\. Do not give aforementioned parrot to Finny…..the kid just doesn't know his own strength.

39\. 'Pirates of the Caribbean' is NOT Ciel's theme song.

40\. Nor is 'Highway to Hell' Sebastian's…..even if it should be.

41\. And don't even THINK about 'Sexy and I know it' for Grell.

42\. No drinking Tanaka's tea…..seriously. The dude needs it.

43\. No trying to prise open Lau's eyes…..Ranmao will kill you in your sleep.

44\. Don't tell Sebastian to "Go do yo thing" every time they pass a convent…..he doesn't need encouraging.

45\. Never introduce Grell to Lindsay Lohan…..Diva sparks will fly.

46\. Don't buy any creepy puppets…..They're still recovering.

47\. No calling Ciel 'little robin'…..or do you want to take Viscount Druitt's place at the top of Ciel's hit list?

48\. No randomly singing 'God save the Queen' or yelling "Hello, your Majesty!"…..Ciel is still in shock from the Curry Festival.

49\. No prank letters pretending to be the Queen.

50\. NO GANGNAM STYLE. NO. NOT HAPPENING.


	2. In Which We Wave Goodbye to Sanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES! I LIVE!   
> I can't even begin to tell you guys how sorry I am that I took SO FUCKING LONG to upload this chapter.  
> I have excuses but none of them are good enough!   
> Here you go, the next chapter.
> 
> IMPORTANT: Some of the rules talk about characters who are not from Black Butler, so, if you don't get it, please take a few seconds to look them up to appreciate the humour.  
> THANKYOU!

51\. No groping Sebastian

52\. Don't show Lau any Jackie Chan movies.

53\. Don't cook vanilla curry. Some things are just not meant to be.

54\. Don't start yelling "The BELLS Paula!" At random moments.

55\. Don't GET bells like Paula.

56\. Sebastian does NOT give piggy backs.

57\. Sebby, Bassy, Sebdog, Sebbo, butler dude, Mickey, etc... Are NOT appropriate forms of address for Sebastian.

58\. Lau must NEVER meet Shigure Sohma.

59\. Same thing with Grell and Ayame. You think you've seen camp? YOU AINT SEEN NOTHIN YET.

60\. William Spears and Hatori. God, or more likely Satan, forbid.

61\. NO Ciel and Artemis Fowl. 

62\. Delivering large boxes of creepy dolls will likely result in your death.

63\. Do NOT sing "London bridge is falling down" in a creepy voice. It will likely result in your death.

64\. No! Ouran Highschool Host Club does NOT get their roses from Sebastian.

65\. Don't yell "Ding Dong! Avon calling!" At the front door. Grell might answer.

66\. Stop asking why their are not more mice in the Phantomhive Manor. You DO NOT want to be the reason for everyone finding out about Sebastian's new pet.

67\. OF COURSE REAPING IS THE ONLY THING WILL'S POLE HAS BEEN USED FOR. Don't ever insinuate otherwise....again.

68\. DAMMIT WHO ORDERED A TRUCK FULL OF STRESS BALLS FOR WILL!   
Please. Don't do it again.

69\. *hee hee* Good time to mention, don't go asking Ciel if Sebastian has shown him 69 yet. SEBASTIAN ACTUALLY LOOKED FLUSTERED.

70\. Don't EVER hint at Sebastian becoming a stripper for the company. No matter how much of a killing they would make

71\. NO! The Shinigami are NOT Sebby's 'bitchez'

72\. Stop photographing everyone with that shit scary ghost camera!

73\. The violins are NOT to be used to play "sad violins" every time Sebastian is bitch slapped!

74\. Who ever wrote "I live 4 Sebby!" on Ciel's forehead. Run. Run far. Run fast. You will never be fast or far enough.

75\. Stop signing up Sebastian for comedy shows.

76\. Or Dancing with the Stars.

77\. AND SO NOT SONGS OF PRAISE. NO. 

78\. No. Sebastian is not giving lessons on: The Ultimate Evil Eyes.

79\. For GODS sake! Ciel does NOT need to go on Undercover Boss!

80\. No. Agni is not a genie. STOP. ASKING.

81\. DONT EVER allow Elizabeth to get hyper. THE WORLD IS NOWHERE NEAR READY.

82\. Who told Grell about Ripper Street?! YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS!

83\. Stop letting Sebastian watch Horrible Bosses.

84\. Don't shout "Yes CHEF!" At Bard. He gets excited.

85\. Sebastian is not going on The Bachelor!

86\. Seriously. You had to be high when you suggested Laddette to Lady for Grell.

87\. You told Will Beauty and the Geek? What....why would you do this....

88\. Don't put "For the Unclean" on bars of soap and deliver.

89\. Don't buy anything Grell asks for. Especially red paint.

90\. Stop writing "Junkie" on sticky notes and putting them on Lau.

91\. THE SLAPS ARE NOT LOVE TAPS. THEY ARE NOT!

92\. No more pot shots at birds, they need the feathers for dramatic effects!

93\. I don't know if there is a loldogs. But they're not ready for that either.

94\. NO MORE RAINBOW FLAGS IN THE FOYER. EVEN IF THEY NEED ONE.

95\. Stop shouting "HIDE YO CATS HIDE YO NUNS" every time Sebastian walks into the room.

96\. No. That is not Sebastian's 'sex hair'. Stop asking.

97\. Don't recreate Sebastians (deadly!)'magic trick' with people you don't like.

98\. Stop whispering "seeeeexual tensioooooon" every time Ciel and Sebastian stare at each other.

99\. No Fifty Shades of Grey. They're still reeling from Lolcats.

100\. DONT EVER SHOW THEM ANY FANFICTION ABOUT THEMSELVES.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all folks!  
> Not really actually, I'm currently writing drabbles about each rule, so stay tuned...  
> Skarlettefox out! 0.0


	3. What Not to do in the Trancy Household

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little something to help you out if you ever end up in this particular situation. Other than the obvious RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG AWAITED.  
> GUYS I AM SO LAZY. IM SORRY. BUT I AM.  
> I LOVE YOU ALL AND WISH TO MARRY YOU ALL AND BEAR MANY CHILDREN, BUILD AN ARMY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD.  
> wait...
> 
> I also have started a Reaper chapter, so hopefully it won't take too long.  
> Plus I have another story in the works so stay tuned!
> 
> Lastly I have a MIGHTY NEED to give THE BIGGEST shoutout to the absolutely delicious people who have kudosed, reviewed, been encouring, been here...  
> THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!

Rules of the Trancy Household

1\. Don't put roses in vases. You know how Alois likes them displayed ;)

2\. Don't give Alois any life size dolls of Ciel. Y'all ain't ready.

3\. Same for Claude. Y'ALL. REALLY. AINT. READY. And I have personally seen enough crazy fetishes for a LIFETIME.

4\. Remember guys. Alois Trancy IS his real name. Just go with it.

5\. Whoever put that sign up about there being no more booty shorts in all the shops had better be fucking ready for the consequences!

6\. Actually, the guy who told Claude that Ciel developed athletes foot. I was going to say don't do it, but you are in fact a gift to humanity.

7\. Guys don't call the triplets the three stooges. Not cool.

8\. Hannah's never worked as a bunny. Stop it!

9\. Don't ask Claude for knitting lessons. It's not something he takes lightly.

10\. For God's sake guys! No more cracks about Hannah being the sheath for Claude's sword.

11\. Of course it's Hannah's natural colour! This is ANIME we are talking about here!

12\. When asked what colour Alois' eyes are... They are blue. Blue like the colour of the beautiful sea, or the clear skies or the colour of your dad's balls JUST DONT CALL THEM DISHWATER COLOURED.

13\. Just because Hannah has 'serious boobage' does NOT mean you mention it to her.

14\. The triplets are not allowed to talk for a reason. A GOOD REASON.

15\. WHO SENT THAT LETTER TO THEM SAYING "CLAUDE. I AM YOUR FATHER." FROM WILLIAM?! 

16\. Don't hold up a prompt to Claude saying "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" for after he reads it.

17\. Don't put up ads about vacancies at a foot spa.

18\. The triplets must NEVER meet the Hitachiin twins

19\. Don't get Claude started on different shades of blue. I wanna grow old in peace.

20\. The triplets' job, believe it or not, is NOT to play charades with you!

21\. Hannah is not open to having 'badass Princess Leia hairstyles'.

22\. Don't drop in at the end of the series singing"We are family". I know how perfect it would be but just don't.

23\. No "motivational songs" of any kind are to be played whenever the triplets start cleaning. We allowed 'Let's get physical' and 'Eye of the tiger' but NO exceptions.

24\. Nobody is to initiate a 'wife swap, but with butlers'. Just no.

25\. Sorry, but due to your bad behaviour. The ULTIMATE SEBASTIAN VS CLAUDE DANCE OFF!!!!! has been cancelled.  
Good job guys. Once in a lifetime.... -_-

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave kudos or a review. I know how long it takes.  
> I love you all.


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